If you have lived with a disability your entire life, or have recently acquired a disability while in an existing relationship, you might be wondering how to date or maintain a marriage while benefiting from the support of your NDIS Plan.
The great thing about Helping Solutions supports is that they are designed to meet your needs and adapt to the life you want to live. This includes accommodating the important people you want to have in your life.
So, while the supports that our participants receive look different for each individual, there are ways to find a happy and respectful balance so that you can show your partner love and appreciation, while achieving private moments as a couple.
Take a look at a few of the ways our services can be integrated to support you.
Disclaimer: The stories in this article are fictional but inspired by real-life experiences. We’ve shared them to show what support can look like in real situations.
Low to moderate support needs
Many of our participants receive support to be able to access their local community, as well as achieve daily living tasks. So when it comes to planning dates, there’s a couple of ways this could look:
Planning an independent date
Mia (24 years old)
“My boyfriend and I met on Hinge, an online dating app. It was more comfortable for me to communicate like this at first. But as we got to know each other, we wanted to meet in person. We agreed on a coffee shop in my local area, that is easy to access via public transport since a bus route goes by my house.
My support worker, Leonie, helped me plan everything. She sat with me to figure out the times I’d need to leave the house and the coffee shop, in order to make the bus. We budgeted for a meal and a cup of coffee. She also helped me plan some questions to ask and topics to discuss on the date. At the time, I knew my boyfriend a little bit, but I was still nervous to meet him.
I wanted more support for the first meeting, so she agreed to accompany me to the meeting spot. Upon arrival, she went to a coffee shop across the road to wait in case I needed her, and I met my boyfriend for the first time. Our date went for an hour and we’ve been dating ever since. I don’t need my support worker to come with me anymore because my boyfriend picks me up from my house, but she still helps me prepare when we go to new places together.”
Whether you’re going on a first date, or taking your partner on a romantic outing, your support worker can help you plan for the date by assisting you to choose a location, coordinating your route there and back, and even helping you budget for the outing.
For those who desire more support, your support worker can stay nearby, so that you can call on them if needed, but otherwise will give you privacy to spend time with your date.
Visiting partners in SIL
Brian (27 years old)
“My girlfriend, Katie, and I have been dating for 1 year. Recently, we started discussing our future, including moving in together. I currently live in SIL and I’m not ready to leave SIL yet, so we’re starting with her staying over on weekends.
There are still many goals I’m working towards, including cooking independently since I don’t have full mobility in my left arm. I have my license, but I rarely drive as I’m building my confidence. Before Katie and I start living together, I want to be able to contribute to cooking and drive myself places, and maybe even find a job that meets my needs.
When Katie stays over, I practise cooking. Sometimes it’s with her and she assists in the kitchen, other times I cook for her and my support worker helps. My support worker also assists with some personal care tasks in the mornings and evenings, so that I can spend the rest of my time with Katie.”
If things are getting serious with someone, and you’re currently living in a SIL arrangement, your support worker can offer assistance in a number of ways:
- Chat to your support worker about how they can support you to live as independently as possible, while balancing private time with your partner. This could look like ensuring any assistance with meals or care routines is done within certain hours so that you feel supported to spend alone time with your partner.
- Chat to your housemates about rules and boundaries when it comes to having partners stay over. Your support worker can help you communicate fair needs, such as weekends only, to maintain a happy balance between housemates.
Married support
Timothy (32 years old)
“I have Multiple Sclerosis which causes tremors and results in poor grip strength. Things like cooking are nearly impossible for me, unless the meals are quick and simple to make.
My wife is amazing and handles a lot of the cooking and cleaning, but she also works full-time. I work from home but I still don’t want her doing everything around the house that I can’t manage, so my support worker helps me with my share of the work.
He comes twice a week, and together we prep simple meals for my lunches, as well as do laundry together. It helps reduce the workload for her and helps me feel like I’m doing my part, and when she gets home from work I can greet her with a smile and a hug, instead of an endless mountain of growing dishes. We’ve joked about it many times but I know she appreciates the help.”
If you and your partner live together, but want to ensure your partner does not take on a full-time care role, your support worker can assist with certain tasks to ensure you can maintain a healthy balance with your relationship.
For example, your support worker may come in a few days a week to assist with meal preparation, or doing laundry, so that you can both contribute equally to the household within your capacity. This also ensures you can enjoy time spent with your partner.
Your support worker might even help you get ready for date nights out, so that you can surprise your partner or meet them at a venue without asking them to help you get ready first.
Higher support needs
Other participants in our care receive higher intensity supports, such as nursing care and SDA. While they might require more frequent support in their day-to-day lives, they can still build meaningful connections and achieve a level of privacy in their relationship. Take a look at how this might look:
Planning an independent date
Luke (22 years old)
“I don’t like crowded or overstimulating environments, but I met this girl I really liked through a Twitch chat of a streamer we both follow. We started seeing each other, but it’s much easier to plan dates at home since I have low-vision and it causes me a lot of anxiety to go to unfamiliar locations.
For our anniversary, I wanted to do something special and cook her favourite meal. My support worker helps me a lot with cooking, and I have adapted tools and markers in my kitchen to help guide me. So I felt right at home, and they were able to assist me. They also helped me safely set up a candlelit dinner. My girlfriend was so surprised when she came over. It really gave me the confidence to feel like I could spoil her and show her how much she means to me.”
Organising a date at home or in a supported environment is completely achievable, and can be very romantic!
If you have drop-in supports a couple of times a week, or live in a SIL arrangement and have access to a SIL support worker, you can ask them to assist you in cooking your partner’s favourite meal or setting up a candlelit dinner. They can then step away for the evening while you enjoy the meal together, offering assistance only if and when needed.
Visiting partners in SDA
Renee (38 years old)
“I have an energy limiting disability, which affects my ability to do things throughout the day. I was diagnosed only a few months after I met my partner and went from working full-time to spending most of my days in bed. I also use a wheelchair as this helps me get around without exhausting all my energy, and I put too much strain on my body when I stand for long periods.
My support worker is an amazing support in my life and in my boyfriend and I’s relationship. Thanks to her help, I can get out of bed in the mornings and take a bath when he’s on shift. I can manage breakfasts but she handles lunches and dinners and even does the dishes on my set chore days when I’m too exhausted.
It means that my partner and I are both able to contribute to our relationship in a way that works for us. I have the energy to spend time with him watching our favourite movies and painting, whereas if I had to use all my spoons on basic tasks, it would create more work for him, I’d likely never see him, and he would be my caregiver.”
If things are getting serious with someone, and you’re currently living in an SDA arrangement, your support worker can offer assistance in a number of ways:
- If you require more assistance to navigate your home or do independent tasks, have a chat to your support worker about how to achieve the right amount of privacy and balance without transferring care responsibilities onto your partner. You might discuss what support looks like while your partner is visiting, or while you’re both out in the community together.
- Your partner might even take on certain responsibilities to achieve more privacy in certain situations, such as staying the night, where they assist you with personal care tasks or mobility. In these situations, you’ll may choose to still have a support worker available nearby, or agree that you won’t need support hours on set days of the week.
Married support
Sarah (63 years old)
“My husband suffered a stroke a few years ago, and we moved into a smaller home together since our two-bedroom home was no longer suitable. He now requires PEG feeding since he struggles with swallowing, and a lot of mobility support for personal care tasks.
While I’m more than happy to support him whenever required, we agreed after the incident that having a support worker would be better for our marriage. We want to minimise instances where I take on the caregiver responsibility, so that I can still volunteer and do the things I love in the community, and it has worked for us so far.
Additionally, my husband and I get to spend every weekend with our young grandkids, and his support worker will take him to the bathroom and give him his medication while I watch the kids play in the garden. It means we don’t have to confine them to a room to ensure their safety while I’m supporting my husband’s needs, since I can’t do both at once. It’s a massive help, and we’re forever grateful. We definitely made the right choice for us.”
If you and your partner live together, but one of you has a complex care need, your support workers can adjust their care to ensure your marriage feels private, supported and balanced.
For example, you might share responsibilities such as morning and evening care routines, so that your partner still has time to prioritise their own needs, but you can also have private time together, making for a healthy and respectful marriage.
You might also adjust your support workers hours so that they are only dropping in to offer care during essential parts of the day (such as tending to routine nursing care needs or providing medication management), giving you and your partner as much privacy as possible.
Why having a support worker can be better for the relationship
Having a support worker in you or your partner’s life may not look traditional, just different. And a support worker can actually strengthen you and your partner’s relationship together.
Various studies have shown that the demands of taking on a caregiving role can lead to negative impacts on that person’s physical and mental health, since it can be time-consuming and difficult to balance.
That’s why it’s not always a great idea to have a partner or loved one be the sole caregiver. Instead, look at building a greater support network that can assist you to show up fully for your relationship, within your capacity.
Support is a good thing to have, no matter whether you’re living with a disability or not, so it makes sense that by having a support worker involved in your lives, you can achieve a healthier and happier balance together. It shows respect for your partner’s time and needs, while also allowing you to enjoy the best moments of experiencing life with someone, and build a deeper connection and intimacy with them.
Build meaningful connections with Helping Solutions
Support can come in all kinds of ways, but it doesn’t have to isolate you from the people you love or create more barriers to navigate. At Helping Solutions, we’re committed to assisting you to live the kind of life you want to live.
Support can assist you in achieving meaningful life goals (such as meeting someone new and maintaining a relationship), or simply improve the existing connections you have with your loved ones.
Ready to learn more? Get in touch today to discuss what support could look like for you.
